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Sexist Bacteria

You know? It’s just mean!

There are things out there we really shouldn’t have to deal with! The issue I am going to rant about here is a bit a delicate one. It is about a disease that hits almost every woman at one point in her life and some are suffering from it almost chronically while guys can get it, but rarely do – and whose fault is it? Our Creator's!

Whoever invented women made a few very distinct building mistakes and most of those happened around the reproductive organs. Hence I now believe God must have been a man… otherwise that wouldn’t have happened!

I am talking about: Cystitis - The infection of the urinary tract!

See men have that long tube all along the inside their willies and way up to the bladder. For bacteria to travel all the way that is quite a stretch to go. By the time they just made a few millimetres the guy abseils the last beer and they are washed out again. 

We may look prettier without the dangly bits but we pay with a horribly short urethra. Additionally we tend to drink less – although we shouldn’t – so nothing gets washed out as often.

So, where are these blasted bacteria coming from anyway?

And there we are again… another design flaw of the female body: It is bacteria which come from the digestive tract – the ‘exit’ bit of it. Who in earth thought it a good idea to put the ends of those two tubing systems into close proximity?

Guys are standing upright when wee-ing, being a nuisance in domestic environments, giving it a good joggle and that’s it. For number twos they can do whatever they like with the toilet paper and then they get on with their lives, while we girls have to be so particular which way round we tidy up.

Going straight into the embarrassing bit now: Did you teach your daughter only to wipe towards the back and never ever to the front? Difficult, isn’t it? When they are little, the short arms only reach to the front. So they proudly tidy up number ones front wise and for the rest they get help anyway… and then come the times when they can do it themselves, become squeamish in regard to open bathroom doors, and that was it! One only can hope that they remember.

Usually these bacteria are not a big problem because the body is sort of used to having a few in the wrong places, but everybody knows that infections have to do with a low immune system and then strays can become a problem. So hygiene is essential.

Have you ever heard granny say to a boy, don’t sit on this cold stone you will get an infection? I heard it so many times I can compose a song out of it. I didn’t really know what granny meant, though. I thought I might get a runny nose… until the first cystitis hit me!

Huuuuuh…. that burns!

It starts with a bloating sensation that sits a bit low to be gas, then wee-ing can’t wait a single second longer, relief that feels awkward, the end-burn kicks in and the feeling of having to go to the loo stays, and stays, and stays,…

It happens unexpectedly, out of the blue and it progresses at the speed of light. By the time one reaches the doctor one would be happy to be euthanized. Antibiotics do the trick instantly, however I have come across some doctors during my cystitis career, who refused to give me some – what wanted me to euthanize them.

It was not the doctors but my mum telling me: Child, see it’s not the cold stones you might have been sitting on causing this persistent stalker to haunt you; it’s that particular kind of sport that you usually do in the bedroom and that in your case might have happened on the back seat of a car. It even has its own name: It’s called ‘Honeymoon Cystitis’.

Wham! Apart from the embarrassment – oh yes, I do love my mum,  ... still - another design flaw became apparent: Between the two tubes which shouldn’t be that close together anyway, another one got wedged in.

Who would do such a thing?

Especially since this one is meant to receive some rather agile and sometimes clumsy guests. Well, at least the usual set-up would be one guest at a time, but nevertheless: Guest means from the outside, and rubbing, and contamination, and transfer of bacteria within the usually pristinely hygienically maintained area. That suggests certain ceremonies having to take place to make it a success.

Success? Success in this field commonly is associated with spontaneity and a certain amount of heat and fire flying around, I assume…

Not so much for the cystitis stunted soul. For them, success means: Getting through it and having a decent amount of fun while getting away with it. In case the enlargement of the family is planned the fun bit is best skipped altogether. See that is a real glitch at the conceiving front: Antibiotics are taboo, but the fulfilment of the act, preferably more than once, is mandatory! Hence no fun! Manual handling until the very last second just will have to do.

So here is a possible scenario of a romantic encounter taking into account all the above:

  • Invitation for bedroom activity to be received at least half an hour before actual date

  • Half an hour before:
    • Water bottle on location – check
    • Glass of water in the bathroom - check
    • Oasis Cystitis relief and Cranberry pills in cupboard – check
    • Male partner briefed on hygiene rules – check,
    • Tissues available – check
    • Candle? Who has time for that? …

  • 15 minutes before:
    • Drinking two glasses of water
    • What would bring me into gear? Oh, forget it…

  • He is there:
    • Greetings
    • Sorry, gotta got to the loo
    • Having the bathroom glass of water,
    • Checking secretly that he is sticking to his hygiene brief – ooof!
    • Oh well,…and whatever is going on: Keeping the order of things right is essential to avoid transfer…

  • Right after:
    • Dispense from cuddle – another ‘plus’ for him – and instantly go to the loo
    • Back for a little chat while drinking the bottle of water

  • For the next two days:
    • Having Cranberry pills as advised on box
    • Drinking loads
    • Carrying Oasis Cystitis relief and Cranberry pills in handbag with me at all times
    • On first sign of funny feeling or burn: Oasis Cystitis relief as advised on box (read the label)
    • always collecting for at least an hour before going to the loo, however hard it is
    • If everything fails: will see doctor!

Hmmm, how romantic one might think. Well, the blow can be softened – in the true sense of the word – by getting our male companions on board. As I said: They might not even know about the problem, but they are a big part of the solution. So yes! Let’s make it nice and uncomfortable for them by getting them involved – it’s only fair! And for the rest of it: I have water bottles all over the place all the time, always have a stash of my home remedies in the cupboard and the handbag, and I am drinking more – it’s good for me anyway.

A a toast with a glass of water to: Spontaneity, fun and great companions!

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Copyright 2007
Author: Rika